Podesta Military Tribunal: Day 2

On Wednesday afternoon Rear Adm. Crandall came out swinging.

“Not only did the defendant abuse innocent, unsuspecting children, but he took medication to carry out his macabre crimes,” Rear Adm. Crandall addressed the three-officer, all-female panel. “See, for much of his adult life, John Podesta has had erectile dysfunction. He admitted to this pre-trial, and you have before you copies of his written statements, with his signature in his handwriting. To remedy his ailment, Podesta did what many men do: He got a prescription for ED medication, in his case Cialis. Unlike most men, however, Podesta didn’t use this medication to have consensual sex with adult partners. He used it to terrorize adolescents. Let that sink in. John Podesta took erectile dysfunction medication to have sex with kids.”

“It’s hard for me to articulate this to you,” Rear Adm. Crandall said, still addressing the panel, “not because you fine officers are all female, but because of the nature of these crimes. I’d have the same difficulty talking to an all-male commission.”

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According to Podesta’s statement, he grew weary of taking Cialis, which, he said, left him feeling lethargic and nauseous afterward. In August 2009, he was told of a “miracle remedy” that allegedly treated ailments from the common cold to pneumonia, from erectile dysfunction to stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The person who told Podesta about this cure was none other than William Jefferson Clinton, who, Podesta claimed, had self-administered it for nearly 30 years.

The cure involved a process whereby blood was drawn from the adrenal gland of young, frightened children. The younger and the more frightened, the better, Podesta had written in his statement to JAG. Several vacutainers of blood were taken from children, usually when they were in a state of unfathomable fear. Because the blood was drawn from a small gland above the kidneys, the jab was extremely painful.

“Podesta says the blood was spun through a centrifuge, then refrigerated and sent to an ‘underground’ laboratory in Switzerland, where it was blended with other chemicals and attenuated into a compound that, when injected, rejuvenated the recipient with newfound vim and vigor. He also says it never cured his ED. Mind you, there is no scientific evidence supporting the efficacy of this fairytale compound, but he says he and countless others have taken it to feel youthful, energetic, and, ummm, to extend life,” Rear Adm. Crandall said.

In his statement, Podesta said the pharmaceutical concoction, which he called adrenochrome-C9H9NO3CU7TI9CN5, was administered either by injection or, for greater efficiency, intravenously suspended in a saline solution. He wrote he had received a dozen infusions since 2009.

“This fiend says this product is being used by thousands of wealthy people, wealthy because, he says, it cost about $250,000 per injection or $425,000 per infusion. Let’s be clear: This is sickening and, if true, people who took this will eventually be brought to justice,” Rear Adm. Crandall said.

As he spoke, a handcuffed Podesta sat silently beside his attorney wit his elbows planted firmly on the desk. His head lowered, he avoided glancing at the three officers tasked with deciding his fate.

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Rear Adm. Crandall said the prosecution would present its final evidence Thursday afternoon.

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